To know love, I had to understand the search for it through difficult situations and experiences all through my life. My greatest teachers were despair, sorrow, pain, hurt and intense trauma… I am so grateful for these because it set me out on a mission from very young being a seeker of love.
I remember when I was around 8 or 9 years old, on my way back from our bus stop, I would walk past a lady and her young daughter who was in a wheelchair. I would stop and say hello and I could see how this would brighten both their faces. The young girl had a disease which was deteriorating her small body at a rapid rate. I spent much time with these precious souls, playing in their garden, giggling and enjoying each other. One day on my way home, I knocked on the door to find a tear stained mom saying her little girl had passed away and she would prefer for me not to stop past anymore, it brought the memory of pain. Of course, being so young, I didn’t understand. However, I carried the feeling that I had brought them both joy when it was most needed. I absolutely loved that feeling and I would carry it with me all my life. I stopped past one more time to take her flowers and show gratitude for the lesson.
I was a truly caring and giving child. Whenever I had any money, I would go and buy whatever I could to give gifts or sweets to others just to see sparks of joy. It became my mission.
Looking back at that little girl, she so desperately was seeking love. She was so desperately seeking acceptance. What a tender, sweet little girl…
I was one of nine children, and I often felt lonely being an only girl til the age of 15 when my sister was born. I would loose myself in books and the piano. I loved to sing and entertain myself. I would often go out and play with the neighborhood kids and my cousins.
After experiencing all kinds sexual abuse from the age of 9 to 17 by no less than 12 adults, it became apparent to me that this was the exchange of love. This is what the world was showing me love was. Little girl, I will give you ‘this’ kind of love and attention because you are so special… No, I never felt like a victim, I just didn’t know what was happening. I was never given a sex talk, so yes, it was just terribly confusing for a little girl who didn’t understand these things.
At 14 I joined a church to seek out love. I felt like I fitted in, for the first time ever, something felt right. I played keyboard and sang in the church band. I had some amazing families who were SO kind to me and who truly took me in to guide me. I went to Bible School to study deeper and seek deeper truths of love. Wow, what an illusion that turned out to be too. More sexual abuse and hypocrisy was very apparent. Some of the beautiful people in that space I connected with deeply, soul to soul, and I will always cherish them. But the sad thing is that there were many things that I saw which were absolute hypocrisy. It is truly the one thing I cannot handle… My search continued.
My first real relationship was super intense. Yes, I had boyfriends before, but this was my first long term relationship with real life lessons. We went to America together where I had my first experience of physical, mental and emotional abuse. He was a South African kick boxing champion, so you can imagine how that went down. My abuse cycle from being that little, innocent girl went into a deeper cycle of traumatic abuse. After 3 years, I came back home and got out of that cycle still with some serious psychological unresolved pain.
Not having resolved that pain, it turned into alcohol and then drug abuse to cover all of the trauma. And yes, another terribly abusive relationship. I was trying to numb myself, trying to look the other way by covering it all up. What a spin cycle I was on!
At the age of 27 I had my baby boy, Adrian. Never wanting a child, I did this for my ex husband. Oh my gosh, my absolute saving grace. When this child came out of me, it was as if I had my very first spark of understanding true love. This little spark was my guiding light home.
SO many missteps and mistakes were made after, and I own them all. But SO many lessons, so much deep understanding on my way back to love. The missteps were teaching me how to walk in love. The mistakes were teaching me how to take in love.
I took a deep dive into understanding divinity. I took a deep dive into understanding love. I took a deep dive into understanding people. For 18 years I studied all kinds of interesting modalities from metaphysics, reiki, trauma release, Sound therapy, Shamanism, Traditional healing, etc, etc. I read and read and read, building up adeep understanding of the human psyche and human behaviors.
One of the most profound experiences I have had was when I went under hypnosis and I got to experience myself in the womb space. I was absolutely terrified. I knew I had all of these experiences ahead but I also knew it was for a greater purpose,so I entered the world knowing what was to come.
I will write about the love experienced and understood with my child at a later stage, as this would be a full piece all on its own and deserves it’s own space. I will say that it is thanks to this spark of life called Adrian, which gave me the drive and made me the woman I am today in love.
Meeting my incredible husband has taught me that there really is such a thing as true love. I only accepted and understood love from what I had been shown. Before meeting him I got to reevaluate for myself what it is to be loved through my incredible brother in law and they way he treated my sister. This is what I deserved. This is what I desired. So I set new parameters and I received it. What a divine expression of love I have with my husband, knowing the opposite, I truly value what we share with my whole heart.
When Ayahuasca touched my lips for the first time, I knew then that this was what I had been training for my whole life. I knew then that this would be where I would stand, through thick and thin, serving consciousness and awakening to people through these amazing plant medicines.
There is SO much of my story I have left out, I wanted to touch only on a few experiences to bring it through in my story of ‘to know love’. I am so extremely grateful to each and every experience in my life, to each and every person who added to my experience… It is because of this I truly KNOW love. I know what is deemed to be the opposite of love. I know it to simply be that which helps you to experience love at an even deeper level.
Everyone from childhood right through, all just loved me from the space of how they understood love. After all, we are all just walking each other home.
My life was set out for me so beautifully so that I can live my purpose as a Medicine woman. I can live my purpose of helping people find their way back to themselves, back to love. Everything didn’t happen to me, it all happened for me!!
Awakening to Self and awakening to Love has been the most liberating experience. When you feel that calling, know that I am here to guide and hold you. Our Heart Centre is here to hold you. Know that there are many people such as myself who are here to guide and hold you, just seek and you will find.
I wish you peace and I wish you love!
In Love always,
Our Heart Centre 💟