People change in relationships.

One of the hardest things is watching someone you love slowly change inside a relationship. You can see that they are not as confident as they used to be. They question themselves more, make excuses for behaviour they once would never have accepted, and sometimes they even begin pulling away from the very people who love them most.

And all you want to do is shake them and say, “Can’t you see what is happening to you?”

But the truth is, they may not be able to see it yet. Or perhaps they do see it, but they are not emotionally ready, practically able, or safe enough to leave.

When we love someone, our instinct is often to rescue them. We want to tell them their partner is a narcissist, point out every manipulation, every bit of gaslighting, every red flag, and convince them to get out.

But sometimes, in our desperation to save someone, we can push them further away.

Rather than constantly labelling the partner, focus on what is happening to the person you love. Are they becoming more anxious? Do they seem frightened to disagree? Have they lost confidence? Are they walking on eggshells? Do they seem less like themselves?

Those questions often matter more than proving a diagnosis.

Stay connected.

Keep inviting them. Keep checking in. Keep reminding them that there is still a world outside of this relationship where they are loved. And please remember, not every conversation needs to be about the relationship. Laugh with them. Have coffee. Talk about ordinary things. Help them remember who they are outside of what they are going through.

Listen more than you lecture. If they open up, try not to immediately say, “I told you so,” “You need to leave,” or “How can you stay with someone like that?” Instead, ask things like, “How did that make you feel?” “Do you feel safe?” or “What do you want?”

When someone has spent a long time being told what to think, what to feel or what is true, the last thing they need is another person telling them what they must do.

Help them hear themselves again.

And please be careful with, “Why don’t you just leave?”

From the outside, leaving can seem obvious. From the inside, it can feel impossible. There may be love alongside the hurt, children, finances, fear, hope, shame, trauma bonding, promises that things will change, and perhaps a confidence that has been slowly eroded over time.

What looks like weakness from the outside may actually be someone trying to survive something incredibly complicated on the inside.

Another very important thing: do not shame them if they leave and then go back. I know how frustrating and heartbreaking that can be, but shame can drive them deeper into isolation. If they believe you will judge them, they may stop telling you what is really happening.

You can have boundaries and still keep the door open.

You can say, “I don’t agree with what is happening, but I love you, and when you are ready to talk, I am here.”

Also be very careful about confronting their partner directly. If there is control, coercion or abuse, your confrontation may increase the danger behind closed doors. Always ask yourself who will have to deal with the consequences after you leave.

And while you are supporting them, remember yourself too. Loving someone in a harmful relationship can become emotionally exhausting. Their crisis can slowly become your entire life if you are not careful.

Supporting someone and rescuing someone are not the same thing.

Supporting says, “I will walk beside you.”

Rescuing says, “I will carry you, make your decisions and somehow make this all go away.”

You cannot make someone ready before they are ready. You cannot heal the relationship for them. What you can do is remain a safe, grounded and loving presence, while still protecting your own wellbeing.

Sometimes the most powerful thing you can do is simply keep the door open.

And if the day comes when something inside them finally says, Enough, they may remember that you were the person who never shamed them, never abandoned them, and never made them feel foolish for how long it took.

Sometimes love is not dragging someone out.

Sometimes love is making sure they know that when they are ready, they do not have to walk out alone.

~ Angy-Lee ~
Our Heart Centre