WHAT IS GASLIGHTING?

WHAT IS GASLIGHTING? AND HOW DO YOU KNOW IF IT’S HAPPENING TO YOU?

We hear the word gaslighting everywhere these days. Especially when we’re talking about narcissists, toxic relationships and emotional abuse.

But not every disagreement is gaslighting. Not every lie is gaslighting. And someone remembering something differently from you doesn’t automatically make them a gaslighter.

Gaslighting is when someone repeatedly causes you to question your own memory, feelings, perception or reality.

And for me, one of the biggest signs isn’t necessarily what they are doing.

It’s what starts happening to you.

You start second-guessing yourself. You replay conversations in your head. You find yourself saving messages or taking screenshots because you feel like you need proof of what actually happened. You apologise far more than you used to. You carefully choose your words because you don’t know what reaction you’re going to get.

You may start walking on eggshells, constantly monitoring their mood while becoming less and less aware of your own.

And eventually, you may find yourself asking “Am I actually the problem?”

This is where I believe the conversation around gaslighting needs to go deeper.

Because we can spend years trying to understand the other person. Are they a narcissist? Are they gaslighting me? Why do they behave like this? Do they know what they’re doing? Will they ever change?

And yes, understanding what you’re experiencing can be incredibly important.

But at some point, we also have to turn the focus back towards ourselves.

What is happening to ME in this relationship?

Do I still trust myself?
Do I feel emotionally safe?
Have I become smaller to keep the peace?
Am I constantly explaining or defending myself?
What boundaries have I allowed to disappear?
Why am I so afraid to say no?
Am I trying to heal, rescue or change somebody?

And maybe the biggest question of all is ‘Who have I become while trying so hard to understand them?’

Sometimes there are older wounds underneath all of this too. Maybe you learned very young to keep everybody happy. Maybe love felt like something you had to earn. Maybe you became the fixer, the rescuer or the caretaker. Maybe your feelings were dismissed long before this relationship ever came along.

That does NOT mean you caused somebody else’s behaviour.

It means there may be something here for you to understand and heal too.

And please remember, you do not need to diagnose somebody with Narcissistic Personality Disorder before you’re allowed to acknowledge that their behaviour is hurting you. Narcissistic traits and Narcissistic Personality Disorder are not the same thing, and a diagnosis belongs with a qualified professional.

You don’t need a label before you’re allowed to have a boundary.

And you don’t have to keep explaining your reality to somebody who is committed to seeing it differently.

Perhaps healing begins when we stop asking only “Will they ever change?”

And start asking “What if they don’t? What do I choose for ME?”

Because healing from gaslighting isn’t only about understanding what somebody else did to you.

It’s about learning to trust yourself again.

Your feelings. Your intuition. Your boundaries. Your voice.

And slowly, sometimes one tiny choice at a time, finding your way back to YOU.

~ Angy-Lee ~
Our Heart Centre