What narcissism actually is.

“My ex is a narcissist. My partner is a narcissist. My mother is a narcissist.”

We hear the word narcissist everywhere these days. But I think it’s really important that we understand what narcissism actually is, because not every selfish, difficult, emotionally immature or hurtful person is a narcissist.

And perhaps even more importantly, we need to understand that healing cannot remain entirely focused on what is wrong with the other person.

Narcissistic traits can include entitlement, a constant need for admiration or validation, difficulty recognising another person’s feelings, manipulation, an exaggerated sense of importance, extreme sensitivity to criticism and difficulty taking responsibility. But having some narcissistic traits does not automatically mean somebody has Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). NPD is a recognised mental health condition that should be diagnosed by an appropriately qualified professional.

That said, you also don’t need somebody to have a diagnosis before you’re allowed to say, “The way you are treating me is not okay.”

And this is where I believe the conversation needs to change.

Instead of spending all our energy asking whether they are a narcissist, why they did this to us, whether they know they’re hurting us, whether they will ever change or whether they will treat the next person better, perhaps we need to start asking ourselves a different question:

What is happening to ME in this relationship?

Have I started doubting myself? Am I constantly explaining myself or walking on eggshells? Have I somehow become responsible for keeping the peace? Do I feel guilty when I say no? Have I stopped trusting my own feelings and intuition? Have I slowly started disappearing from my own life?

And then comes the harder part. Not blame. Responsibility.

There is a huge difference between the two. Taking responsibility for yourself does not mean saying, “I caused this person to treat me badly.” You are not responsible for somebody else’s manipulation, cruelty, dishonesty or harmful behaviour. But you are responsible for what you choose to do with yourself from here.

So instead of only asking, “Why do I keep attracting narcissists?”, perhaps we could begin asking why we tolerate certain behaviours for so long. Why does saying no make me feel guilty? Why am I always trying to fix, rescue or heal the person I’m with? Why do I need somebody else to choose me before I choose myself? Where did I learn that keeping the peace was more important than speaking my truth? Why does the thought of somebody leaving me frighten me enough that I am willing to abandon myself?

These are not questions of blame. These are questions of healing.

Sometimes our relationships activate wounds that existed long before the relationship did. Maybe you learned very young to become the peacekeeper. Maybe you learned to read everybody else’s emotions before learning to listen to your own. Maybe you learned that love needed to be earned. Maybe being needed became the way you felt valuable. Or maybe somewhere inside you there is still a part believing, “If I love this person enough, eventually they will love me the way I need them to.”

Understanding narcissism can be incredibly validating. It can help you finally put words to experiences that have confused and hurt you. But there comes a point when we need to stop studying them and start understanding ourselves.

You cannot love somebody into healing. You cannot do somebody else’s shadow work. You cannot force accountability, and you cannot build a healthy relationship alone.

So perhaps the question isn’t, “Can they change?” Perhaps the question is, “What if they don’t?”

If this person remained exactly as they are today, would you still choose this relationship five years from now?

And if the answer inside you is no, perhaps it’s time to stop asking who they are and start remembering who you are.

You can understand somebody’s wounds without allowing those wounds to continually hurt you. You can have boundaries and still have a soft heart. You can love somebody and choose not to live inside their chaos. And you can take responsibility for your own healing without ever taking responsibility for their behaviour.

Sometimes healing begins when we stop putting all our energy into understanding the person who hurt us and start understanding the person who stayed, hoped, forgave, adapted, tried and kept believing.

You.

Maybe it’s time to get to know that person again. Maybe it’s time to choose yourself. Maybe it’s time to come home to your Self.

~ Angy-Lee ~
Our Heart Centre