Angy-Lee's Blog
What is a Narcissist?
WHAT IS A NARCISSIST? UNDERSTANDING NARCISSISTIC BEHAVIOUR WITHOUT LOSING YOURSELF
What if the biggest question isn’t whether they are a narcissist?
What if the bigger question is:
What has this relationship done to you?
I want to start there because the word narcissist gets thrown around so easily these days.
“My ex is a narcissist.”
“My mother is a narcissist.”
“My partner is a narcissist.”
“My boss is a narcissist.”
And sometimes there may absolutely be narcissistic behaviour happening. Sometimes there may even be Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
But sometimes we become so focused on trying to work out what is wrong with the other person that we completely forget to ask what is happening to us.
And for me, that is where the healing starts.
Not with them.
With you.
So, if you found this blog because you searched “What is a narcissist?”, “What are the signs of a narcissist?”, “Am I in a narcissistic relationship?” or “How do I deal with a narcissist?”, I want you to read this slightly differently.
Yes, let’s understand narcissism.
But then let’s bring it back to you.
Because you cannot heal another person for them.
You can only heal yourself.
So, What Actually Is a Narcissist?
Let’s first clear something up.
Someone being selfish does not automatically make them a narcissist.
Someone being difficult does not make them a narcissist.
Someone hurting you does not necessarily make them a narcissist either.
We all have an ego. We can all become defensive. We can all want validation. We can all behave selfishly sometimes. And yes, we can probably all display certain narcissistic traits at different times in our lives.
Narcissistic behaviour can include things like:
– needing constant admiration or validation
– having an exaggerated sense of importance
– feeling entitled
– struggling to recognise another person’s feelings or needs
– using people to get what they want
– reacting very strongly to criticism
– needing to be right
– struggling to take responsibility
– appearing arrogant or superior
– manipulating situations to protect their own image
But this is important:
Having narcissistic traits and having Narcissistic Personality Disorder are not the same thing.
Narcissistic Traits vs Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Narcissistic Personality Disorder, or NPD, is an actual recognised mental health condition.
It involves an ongoing and persistent pattern that may include grandiosity, a strong need for admiration, entitlement, difficulties with empathy and problems within relationships.
It should be diagnosed by an appropriately qualified mental health professional.
Not TikTok.
Not Facebook.
Not your friends.
And not a checklist on Google.
I think we have to be very careful with labels because once we label somebody, we sometimes stop seeing the human being and start seeing only the label.
But here’s something equally important.
You do not need somebody to have a diagnosis before you’re allowed to say their behaviour is hurting you.
Read that again.
You don’t need proof that someone has NPD before you’re allowed to create a boundary.
You don’t need a psychologist to diagnose your partner before you’re allowed to say:
This relationship isn’t healthy for me.
That is enough.
What Does Narcissistic Behaviour Feel Like in a Relationship?
This is where I want to move away from them for a moment.
Because you can spend hours researching the signs of a narcissist.
But what is happening to you?
Maybe you’ve started questioning yourself.
Maybe you’re constantly trying to explain what you meant.
Maybe you rehearse conversations in your head before having them because you’re scared of how the other person will react.
Maybe you’ve become the peacekeeper.
Maybe you apologise just to make everything okay again.
Maybe you find yourself saying:
“Maybe I am too sensitive.”
“Maybe I did overreact.”
“Maybe I misunderstood.”
“Maybe it is me.”
And somewhere along the way, you’ve become so busy managing another person’s emotions that you’ve stopped listening to your own.
You’ve slowly started disappearing from your own life.
And this, for me, is where we need to pay attention.
Because whether the person is a diagnosed narcissist or not, if you are losing yourself in a relationship, something needs to change.
Why Is It So Hard to Leave a Narcissistic Relationship?
People ask this question all the time.
“If the relationship is so bad, why don’t they just leave?”
Because relationships don’t work like that.
You can love somebody and know they aren’t good for you.
Both things can be true.
There may be children involved.
Finances.
A home.
Fear.
Family.
Years of memories.
And there is hope.
Hope can keep us somewhere for a very long time.
Maybe things become terrible, then suddenly they become beautiful again.
There’s affection.
An apology.
A promise.
A glimpse of the person you fell in love with.
And you think:
There you are.
Maybe this time it will be different.
But there can also be something deeper happening.
Sometimes relationships activate wounds that existed long before that relationship ever began.
And this is the part of healing that I believe we need to be brave enough to look at.
Why Do I Keep Attracting Narcissists?
I actually don’t love this question.
Because when somebody asks, “Why do I attract narcissists?”, it can very quickly become:
“What is wrong with me?”
And that’s not where I want you to go.
You did not cause somebody else’s harmful behaviour.
You are not responsible for another person’s manipulation, cruelty or inability to love you in a healthy way.
But you are responsible for your healing.
And there is a huge difference between those two things.
So perhaps instead of asking:
Why do I attract narcissists?
Ask yourself:
Why do I tolerate certain behaviours for so long?
Why do I feel guilty when I say no?
Why do I need somebody else to choose me before I choose myself?
Why am I always trying to fix, rescue or heal the person I’m with?
Where did I learn that keeping the peace is more important than speaking my truth?
Why am I frightened that setting a boundary will make someone leave me?
When did I learn that love needs to be earned?
Now we’re getting somewhere.
Because these questions aren’t about blaming yourself, they’re about understanding yourself.
Maybe as a child you became the peacekeeper.
Maybe you learned to read the room before you learned to read yourself.
Maybe love was unpredictable.
Maybe you received love when you were good, quiet, helpful or easy.
Maybe abandonment frightens you.
Maybe being needed makes you feel valuable.
Maybe somewhere inside you there is still a part saying:
If I can just love this person enough, eventually they will love me the way I need them to.
This isn’t weakness.
It’s a pattern.
And patterns can be changed.
What Is Gaslighting in a Relationship?
Gaslighting is another word we hear constantly when talking about narcissistic behaviour.
Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation where somebody repeatedly causes you to question your own perception, memory or understanding of what happened.
“That never happened.”
“I never said that.”
“You’re imagining things.”
“You’re too sensitive.”
“You’re making a big deal out of nothing.”
Eventually you can reach a place where you don’t know whether you can trust yourself anymore.
And that, for me, is one of the most damaging parts of an unhealthy relationship. Because once you’ve stopped trusting yourself, you start looking outside yourself for somebody else to tell you what is true.
Healing means slowly learning to trust yourself again.
Your feelings.
Your intuition.
Your body.
Your voice.
Your Self.
Can a Narcissist Change?
This is another huge question.
Can a narcissist change?
Yes, human beings can change.
People can become more self-aware. They can go to therapy. They can recognise destructive patterns. People diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder can engage in treatment too.
But here’s the thing.
You cannot do it for them.
You cannot love someone into healing.
You cannot explain yourself for the 400th time and hope that this will be the explanation that finally changes everything.
You cannot do somebody else’s shadow work.
And you cannot carry a relationship by yourself.
So maybe the question isn’t can they change?
Maybe the question is, what if they don’t?
If nothing changes, would you still choose this relationship?
If they are exactly the same person five years from now, would you still choose this?
That question can be uncomfortable.
But sometimes uncomfortable questions are the ones that set us free.
What Happens When You Start Setting Boundaries?
A lot of people misunderstand boundaries.
A boundary isn’t “You need to change.”
A boundary is “If this continues, this is what I am going to do.”
That’s very different.
A boundary isn’t punishment.
It isn’t revenge.
It isn’t controlling someone.
It is knowing where you end and another person begins.
And if you have spent your life keeping everyone happy, boundaries can feel awful at first.
You may feel selfish.
You may feel guilty.
You may think you’re being unkind.
You may even want to take the boundary back the moment somebody becomes upset with you.
But somebody being unhappy with your boundary doesn’t automatically mean your boundary is wrong.
Sometimes it simply means that the old version of you was easier for them to deal with.
The version who said yes.
The version who stayed quiet.
The version who explained yourself over and over.
The version who kept forgiving without anything changing.
Healing may require you to become comfortable with somebody else being uncomfortable.
Healing After a Narcissistic Relationship
Learning about narcissism can be incredibly validating.
Suddenly you have words for things you couldn’t explain before.
You read something and think “Oh my goodness. That’s exactly what happened.”
And that understanding can be very important.
But there comes a time when you have to stop studying them.
Why did they do it?
Are they a covert narcissist?
Do they know what they did?
Did they ever really love me?
Will they treat the next person better?
Do they miss me?
Will they come back?
Why aren’t they sorry?
Look at where your energy still is.
With them.
At some point, healing asks you to bring your energy home.
Back to you.
What do you want?
What do you need?
Where did you disappear?
What did you stop doing?
Who were you before you became so consumed with keeping this relationship together?
And perhaps the biggest question:
What would choosing yourself actually look like now?
How Do I Start Healing and Rebuilding Myself?
Start gently.
You don’t have to suddenly become this incredibly strong person with perfect boundaries overnight.
Start noticing yourself again.
Listen to your body
How does your body feel around certain people?
Do you contract?
Do you become anxious?
Do you feel like you’re walking on eggshells?
Do you immediately start explaining yourself?
Your body often tells you something before your mind is ready to acknowledge it.
Start asking yourself what you want
This sounds simple.
It isn’t always.
What do I want?
What do I like?
What feels right for me?
What doesn’t feel right anymore?
If you’ve spent years focusing on everybody else’s needs, these can be surprisingly difficult questions.
Practise saying no
Not aggressively.
Not angrily.
Simply “No.”
“That doesn’t work for me.”
“I need some time.”
“I’m not comfortable with that.”
You don’t need a paragraph after every no.
Stop over-explaining yourself
This one is huge.
You don’t need somebody else to agree with your boundary for your boundary to be valid.
Find your people again
Healthy relationships remind you what it feels like to breathe.
Spend time with people around whom you don’t have to perform, defend yourself or shrink.
Look at your own wounds
This is where the deeper healing happens.
And again, this is not blame.
Looking at yourself doesn’t mean saying “I caused this.”
It means saying “This happened. Now what inside me needs my attention?”
Is it abandonment?
Rejection?
Not feeling worthy?
Fear of being alone?
People-pleasing?
The need to rescue?
The need to be needed?
The need to be chosen?
The belief that love requires suffering?
You cannot change another person’s patterns.
But you absolutely can change your own.
And that is incredibly empowering.
Common Questions People Ask About Narcissists
How do you know if someone is a narcissist?
You cannot reliably diagnose somebody with Narcissistic Personality Disorder yourself. Instead of becoming completely focused on the label, look at repeated patterns of behaviour and, importantly, how the relationship is affecting you.
What are the signs of a narcissistic partner?
Narcissistic traits may include entitlement, a strong need for admiration, grandiosity, exploitation of others, difficulty with empathy and extreme sensitivity to criticism. But having some narcissistic traits does not automatically mean someone has NPD.
Do narcissists know they are hurting you?
There isn’t one answer that applies to every person. I think the more useful question is, when you tell somebody that their behaviour is hurting you, what do they do with that information? Do they take responsibility? Do they show genuine concern? And most importantly, does their behaviour actually change?
Can someone have narcissistic traits without being a narcissist?
Absolutely. Narcissistic traits and Narcissistic Personality Disorder are not the same thing.
Why do I feel addicted to a toxic relationship?
There can be many reasons. Attachment wounds, fear of abandonment, intermittent affection, hope, low self-worth and patterns learned earlier in life can all play a role. Sometimes what feels like an incredibly powerful connection is also touching something very old inside us.
Should I tell someone they’re a narcissist?
I’m not sure the label is always useful. Sometimes saying, “This behaviour is not okay with me” is far more powerful than trying to convince somebody of what they are.
And if there is violence, intimidation, threats, stalking or coercive control, please don’t make confrontation your priority. Make your safety your priority and reach out for appropriate professional support.
Stop Asking Who They Are and Start Remembering Who You Are
Maybe they are a narcissist.
Maybe they aren’t.
Maybe one day you’ll get the apology you’ve been waiting for.
Maybe you won’t.
Maybe they’ll finally understand what they did.
Maybe they never will.
Your healing cannot depend on their understanding.
There comes a point where we have to stop asking why did they do this to me?
And begin asking, what am I going to do for myself now?
That doesn’t mean what happened was okay.
It doesn’t mean you weren’t hurt.
It doesn’t mean you simply forgive everything and pretend it didn’t happen.
It means you stop handing somebody else the responsibility for whether or not you get to heal.
You can have boundaries and still have a soft heart.
You can understand somebody’s wounds without allowing those wounds to continually hurt you.
You can love somebody and choose not to live inside their chaos.
You can take responsibility for yourself without taking responsibility for their behaviour.
And sometimes the greatest healing comes when you stop putting all your energy into understanding the person who hurt you and start understanding the person who kept staying, hoping, forgiving, trying, adapting and believing.
You.
Maybe it’s time to get to know that person again.
Maybe it’s time to choose her.
Maybe it’s time to come home to your Self.
Your healing doesn’t have to start with all the answers
At Our Heart Centre, I don’t believe healing is about finding somebody to blame.
I believe healing is about understanding.
Understanding your patterns.
Your wounds.
Your triggers.
Your boundaries.
Your choices.
And the parts of yourself that you may have left behind while trying desperately to hold onto somebody else.
If you’re in a difficult relationship, have recently left one, or you’re starting to recognise that the same relationship patterns keep showing up in different forms, you don’t need to have everything figured out before you begin.
Sometimes the first step is simply being willing to look inward.
Not because everything is your fault.
But because you are the one person you have the power to change.
And maybe the relationship that needs your love, compassion and attention most right now is the relationship you have with yourself.
Choose you. Love you. Live you.
Angy-Lee
Our Heart Centre
Johannesburg, South Africa
This article is for educational purposes and is not intended to diagnose Narcissistic Personality Disorder or replace professional mental health care. If you are experiencing abuse, coercive control, threats or violence, please seek appropriate professional and safety support.
